Thursday, April 2, 2009

The Peanut

I was sicker than sick from what I thought must be food poisoning. The Weebles was about 8 1/2 months old and still very much dependent on breastfeeding. I was so ill that I wasn't able to feed her as well as usual and she was cranky as a result. On a whim I took a pregnancy test figuring I had one lying around and "wouldn't it be funny...". I believe my exact words were "is that a fucking line?" I then called Andrew at work and told him he needed to get home cause I'm pretty sure "that's a fucking line". We wanted our children to be close in age, maybe 2 or so years apart... this was much closer than we had discussed. Not to mention a total shock. Everyone knows just how well I do with surprises... I am a planner. And I totally hate being pregnant so those factors together had me sobbing "but I don't want to go through all this again so soon" for at least the next two months. Good thing about having a baby and being pregnant is that you don't have a whole lot of time for panic attacks. Not helping matters was the fact that my mother had made it totally clear she wanted us to only have one child. I knew that I'd be hearing it for the next 7 months. We waited to tell everyone but ended up spreading the news sooner than planned because Andrew's grandfather was very ill. He, more so than anyone else, was going to be excited I knew. He had a big family himself and he absolutely loved his family. I am so glad we told him when we did. It was the last good visit he had with us. Predictably my parents started in on the whole "it's unfair to your daughter" and other similar statements. What did they want me to do? Give him away? Once again I didn't think I was really in labor for the first two hours or so. By the time I figured this was it, it really was it and we nearly didn't make it to the hospital in time. The Peanut was born within about half hour of driving up to the front door. He was a funny looking little fella, he had a huge bump on his head from the delivery. This delivery went just as I would have wished, fast with no interventions just as his sister's delivery had gone. I stayed two nights in the hospital with him because of the time he was born and I didn't want to really push leaving 12 hours or so from the birth. This caused me to be away from the Weebles for the first time overnight ever. In my head I kept thinking that this was coming between me and her.. that this was going to hurt her somehow. I held my new baby and knew I was going to have a really hard time. I cried all the time the first few weeks and so did he. The PPD was awful and I don't really know how I made it other than the fact that there just weren't any other options. You go through the motions. I didn't think I'd ever love my new baby like I did my daughter. I didn't get to spend time with Weebles because I was nursing 24/7. Day by day things changed and now I have the smiliest, happiest, sweetest little son on earth. His sister thinks he is the funniest thing she's ever seen and loves to bring him toys and socks. The girl loves socks. And his grandma has decided he's pretty cool too. I was right that I wouldn't love him like I love the Weebles, I love him in our own special way but of course every bit as much. He is the most wonderful surprise I've ever had. I read on another mama blog the following:

"Not a day goes by that I don’t realize how incredibly fortunate I am. I never imagined you, never dreamed of you, but I am so very glad that I have you. Thank you for finding your way to me."

I love you my precious little 3 month old.

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