I love being part of the mommy blogger community. I have learned so much and laughed so much and even occasionally cried reading the words of amazing women that are moms just like me. In the darkest days of PPD they gave me something to smile about and more importantly gave me hope that I would find myself again one day. But of course, their words are their real lives and not every day is finding the dog fingerpainted or the camera in the fishtank. Some days are bad. awful. unthinkable. Not a week ago our little community was sent reeling at news of the loss of one of our beloved children Maddie. Now just yesterday we lost another. Maddie was almost the same age as the Weeble. Thalon was the same age as the Peanut. Both were victims of routine childhood illnesses that spiraled out of control. It could have been my child. Days already feel like they are slipping away. I won't remember exactly how it feels to hold them against me. To feel them breathing as they sleep. Their little sounds, their baby smell. How the Peanut likes to put all his fingers in his mouth except his pinky, or make loud slurping sounds as he chews on his blankie. How the Weebles brings Widget to her brother when he cries to cheer him up, or demands DADDY BUBBLES! in the tub. Or points to the kitchen and says "Peese Mommy, skeem" (ice cream). But unlike Thalon and Maddie's moms I am able to see them grow another day and for that I am eternally grateful. I wish they still had their little ones to hold close tonight.