What ifs

I find myself frequently thinking thoughts about how life would be with only one child. Not so much what it would be like to have an only child and never have any others, more like what daily life would be like with just one. It goes like this:

Wow, if Weebles was my only child I could spend this rainy afternoon curled up napping with her.

or..

If Weebles was still my only baby it wouldn't be a problem to sit up with her all night letting her sleep in my lap. It was so much easier for her to sleep that way when she was sick.

or..

Think of all the fun stuff my preschooler and I could go out and do together if it were just us.

It isn't always my firstborn that gets that sort of speculation either.

If Peanut had been born first I could have just held him all day long when he was so colic-y. I actually DID hold him the vast majority of the day but of course still had another child to look after.

or..

If Peanut were the only baby I bet I could get him to co-sleep more and get more rest at night.

I have an enormous amount of guilt when I find myself having these thoughts because DUH I love both my kids to pieces. The one on one dynamic is something I miss sometimes though. Because when there is one baby and one mom it is easier to be on their schedule. Easier to cater to their needs and practice solid attachment parenting. With two I sometimes feel like no matter how much I'm hitting it out of the ballpark for one child the other is just having a so-so day. Then of course there are the days nobody has a good day.. but let's not go there.

Things are definitely getting easier and easier though. As Peanut gets older he has been able to play with his sister more and more. Now he eats a lot of the same foods she does so feeding schedules are getting easier to manage. And maybe one day, if all the planets align and joy and sunshine rain down from the heavens, I will have a night where they both sleep well and I actually get to bed at a decent time.

And that, I'm sure, will be just in time for baby number three to arrive and send us all straight back to square one.