The Weebles

I immediately hated being pregnant. I felt awful, and the anxiety kept me up most nights. I had horrible panic attacks that something was going to happen to the baby or to me. It was a long 40 weeks. I hired a doula to help with my anxiety during labor. That turned out to be a total bust as she hounded me the whole pregnancy with fear tactics about how my posture was going to cause a csection. The day I went into labor I patiently timed contractions all day long. They didn't hurt, and so I was pretty sure this wasn't going to be "it". Everyone talks about how first time moms usually go to L&D at least once when they really aren't in labor so I figured if I went it would be nothing. I called the doula that evening and told her my stats. She flatly informed me I wasn't in labor. I couldn't sleep so Andrew and I stayed up and watched Christmas Vacation and a special on Hugh Hefner. I still couldn't sleep so I called the midwife on duty and she said to come on in, might as well get it checked out. Determined to not be embarrassed any more than necessary I refused to let Andrew use the labor and delivery valet. We parked in the deck and walked across the street. I didn't bring anything in with me because I knew I'd feel really stupid hauling stuff in only to be sent home. When the midwife checked me I was already about 4 1/2 cm. They told me I'd be having a baby soon and I think I was still in denial. We kept putting off calling the depressing doula until early that morning. When we did call her we weren't able to reach her and we were relieved. We hung out, I took hot showers and walked around. At one point I felt such intense pressure I thought for sure it was time to have the baby. They told me I wasn't quite there yet. Finally they said I was ready and the Weebles was born within 20 minutes or so. It was much, much easier than I'd expected. I left the hospital early, after only about 24 hours. We struggled like hell with breastfeeding for the first several weeks. I ended up pumping and feeding her with a bottle the first month or two. She lost weight and took forever to gain it back. We were worried. The first few days I was totally possessive of her. I'd get this feeling like I wanted to snatch her away from visitors and protect her from everything. Hormones are f'd up things.